Heartbreak
Recovering from heartbreak is an awfully difficult to do. Still, after years, every time I think I’ve managed to get over what once was, I find myself with glimpses of what used to be.
Maybe it’s because I've always been one to pick my scabs and not let them heal, maybe it’s because I write about my emotions too often to ever lie to myself for long. I’m not entirely sure.
As much as I can attribute the unhealthy ‘toxic’ nature of the dynamic shared to my upbringing or different tendencies, there still lies the overwhelming truth that sits with me in quiet moments. The one that reminds me that I used to be completely, utterly in love, with someone who was completely, utterly in love with me. And only God knows how impossible a feeling like that is to get over.
The nature of toxic dynamics is that eventually you see everything you hate about the person plain and simple. You see the small betrayals, the manipulative words, the over-the-top actions. Negatives pile on top of each other over and over again until there is nothing good left to see.
But when under all the bad there was something completely pure, it is all too hard to let go of. No matter how comfortable being alone or thankful for the new experiences you are, no matter how different you see yourselves now versus how you used to be, there is still the simple fact that there was love and that there isn’t anymore.
Forgive my phrasing, it is hard to eloquently describe these feelings that I seem to know all too well. Real love as I have come to know, persists, regardless of whether you’d like it to or not.
Is being in love with the memory of a person, still being in love with the person as they are now? I’m really not sure.
The word I’d use to describe the love that was once shared would be pure. Pure. Honest. Open. Vulnerable. And completely derived from the best of intentions. I don’t really think there is anything that can replicate that sort of love. It is already hard enough to find people who mutually like each other, who am I to think that I will ever be lucky enough to feel that depth of shared connection again?
Years later, somehow I still find moments in which I am torn up by the memory of a love that once was. A love so far removed now. How exactly do you get over feeling completely known and loved entirely for the person you are? How exactly do you get over feeling like you completely understand another person and love them despite and because of their flaws and quirks? I don’t know.
Most of the time, when I hear people talk about their relationships or the ‘love’ they claim to have, I don’t feel it. I don’t see it in their smiles or in their eyes. Most times even if one person seems to feel it, I don’t see the reciprocity. Maybe it has just been my viewpoint that has blocked me from seeing it, or maybe the truth is that in dating, a lot of people settle for lustful desires and mismatched partners for the sake of having someone around. Truthfully speaking, I get it.
I’m sure if a few years ago things went a different way and I didn’t have the relationship I did, filled with emotional depth, love, and joy, I would have probably settled for whatever relationship may have come my way by now simply because I would not have known any better. It is one thing to be someone’s partner, and it is something entirely apart to be someone that is cherished, known, and seen completely by another human being. I personally believe that this is a very hard thing to come by.
More than infatuation or hookups, more than being lusted over, or being loved more as an idea than a person. There is something so much more completely beautiful about being desired for the person you are. Beneath all of the shows you put on to impress people, behind all of the different masks you wear to fit in or stand out, being known and being loved for it, is incomparable to anything else.
For the majority of my life, I have felt what it is to be lusted over. From cat calls at age 7 to blatant asks to hook-up at age 22, I have seen all sides of what it is to be a woman in a world filled with men. I have heard all of the sayings about the one thing that men want and how I am supposed to fit a specific image. It comes as no shock to me that in a world shaped like this, I have felt the most loved when the physical aspect felt almost entirely removed. When I didn’t feel like I had to use my body or my looks as some sort of tool to receive attention, admiration, or desire.
Something that I don’t find people talk about enough is how important it is to feel desired emotionally as a human being, before bringing in physicalility. How beautiful it is to learn to love another person slowly and for the sake of wanting to know them as a friend, as opposed to forcing yourself to get to know them because of the way they appear. Whether they are attractive or have some form of desirable status, wealth, all the likes.
I have been in love, deeply, completely, and I have learned to live with the fact that I may never come close to replicating that feeling. Even still, I am much happier to be alone than to force myself into companionship that isn’t truly suited to me. I’m still young, I know. I’ve been told over and over again that I’ll find someone. But I have no desire for just someone, or even someone I can tolerate.
If I am to be loved, I’d like to be loved right. In the same breath, if I am to love, I’d like to love wholeheartedly.
There is nothing I have found to compare to the feeling of being looked at as if I am all things good. Regardless of my brokenness, regardless of the time or day, regardless of anything and everything else, being loved just for being me. There is nothing I have found to compare to the amount of love I felt looking at someone who I was lucky enough to know the ins and outs of, no matter the weakness or flaw, everything was completely, entirely loveable to me.
Oh Lord, there is something to be said about truly being in love. Almost 3 years later, in a country across the world and I still know the exact way it felt to look at each other how we did. To look at another human being and to only see love, safety, peace, and hope reflected back at you. What could ever compare?
“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” - David Viscott.
As long as I can remember I have loved the written word. It seems to be the only way I can really understand anything apart from actually doing things. When it comes to the intangibles such as my feelings or emotions, I for years have felt a very strong pull towards journalling, writing or reading poetry, and finding relatable quotes and song lyrics. I have only ever felt related to by others in glimpses of emotions within words, probably being the reason I find short-form written word to be the most endearing. For almost every feeling I have, I have been able to find pieces of work that echo what I feel deep down. Maybe with time, I’ll share some more of these.
As embarrassing as it can feel to express my feelings, I have learned to get over the shame of my truths whatever they may be. Only in expressing how I feel, have I ever felt truly content and free. So, in simple terms, if I want to write about it, then that’s exactly what I’ll do.
Whether it be my personal and emotional failing to still after all this time believe in the love I felt to be true, I cannot deny the fact that I have always held the hope that things could go back to the way they were. Though, no matter what I’ve done, this has not come close to being the case.
What do you do when you can’t go back, and when forward means to leave the person you called your own behind? You sit with it, you write about it, you accept it, and you fill your life in all the other ways you can.
Heartbreak has come to be a feeling I know all too well. Whether it presents itself in anger, sadness, craziness or any of the in-betweens, I have gotten used to the highs and lows that come with loss. Eventually though as all things do, the highs and lows level out and life moves forward.
Life has moved forward. That doesn’t stop the fact that from time to time, I am left with thoughts of what could be and should be. I can be a whole individual on my own, I know that now. That doesn’t mean that I never have days filled with thoughts about the hand I’d like to hold and the eyes I’d like to look into.
Healing isn’t linear, I’ve read enough breakup motivation posts to know that I’m not entirely insane for what I feel. Though, it does take a lot longer than I expected. I guess it’s all part of really falling in love. The depth of the pain matches the depth of the connection, and the connection was a true force to be reckoned with.
How painfully unfortunate it is to break up without first falling out of love.
