Overview

If you’ve never watched an episode of Gossip Girl you should go binge it and stop reading before I spoil it for you. If you have already watched it, loved it, and seen yourself in any of the characters, this piece will be for you (unless you resonate with Jenny, in which case, leave my site).

When it comes to the conversation of love I have WAY too many explanations and in-depth understandings of why I am the way I am. I guess I can thank my love of introspection for that, as well as the fact that my brain simply never turns off.

Anyway, because of this, I’ll be tackling the topic of love step by step and breaking it up into different posts.

Honestly, for the first time ever, I am not in much of a mood to write about romance or to dissect my emotions piece by piece for the world to see. Unfortunately for me, in my last post about Achievement, I said I would be talking about this topic next, so may as well get it out there.

Let’s save the childhood trauma analysis for later and kick it off with a fun one a lot of us know all too well; toxic relationship dynamics. Or in other words, my own, personal heaven and hell (I’m healing I promise).

Today’s Topic: Toxic Relationship Dynamics

To start off, I feel like I am obliged to say that I hate the word toxic and hate even more that I am using it. This is because I have never been a fan of branding things with harsh generic titles (ie. if I hear one more person say that they dated a narcissist I may have to move to a non-English speaking country). I believe overusing words, most especially deeply negative ones in the wrong contexts, causes them to lose value and is harmful to those who should actually be using them.

In my defense, I’m using the word toxic as an all-encompassing title referring to relationships that involve messy breakups, off-and-on periods, intense feelings of love, intense feelings of hate, and a WHOLE lot of crying.

I completely recognize that childhood experiences almost directly correlate to these dynamics and will touch on my experience with those at a later date. For now, to keep it light-hearted, I’ll be explaining the relational dynamics I have experienced in conjunction with my current favorite show, Gossip Girl.

Toxic Relationships Portrayed in the Media

Who doesn’t love a good, old-school, toxic, off-and-on, push-and-pull relational dynamic in their favorite show? From Damon and Elena in The Vampire Diaries to Belly and Conrad in The Summer I Turned Pretty, there is something to be said about the addictive allure of two people who can’t be apart but can’t seem to make it work, no matter how badly they’d like to.

Today I’ll mainly be addressing Chuck and Blair’s relationship because Gossip Girl has been my recent obsession (I finally finished it after months of off-and-on binging). Plus, their dynamic was something I heavily related to in my own experience of love, dating, and relationships.

So without further ado, let’s get into it!

Chuck Bass - Brief Character Analysis

Chuck. We hate him, we love him, then we hate him again.

The beginning of the Gossip Girl series shows Chuck Bass, a seemingly irredeemable person with no real positive traits (unless you count his wealth). Over time as layers are peeled back and we get to see the behind-the-scenes of his story, he becomes much easier to empathize with. Growing up without a mother, feeling blamed for it, hated by his father, constantly seeking approval that he could never attain, need I say more?

As the show progresses, so does Chuck’s character development. We watch him struggle with the idea of having real feelings, continuously sabotaging his own happiness for the sake of power, control, and familial approval. It is important to note that in doing this he does not only cause pain for those around him, but in most cases, it is shown that he inflicts the pain on himself as well.

Whether he escapes his problems through alcoholism and excessive sexuality, avoids them by running away to foreign countries, or addresses them through manipulative behaviors, he is continuously shown to end up unhappy with the result.

Side note: The more I pay attention to media, the more I realize that the entire appeal of a character known to be the ‘villain’ is their underlyingly relatable traits, motives, and experiences. Based on their backstories, viewers are able to empathize with them, understand why they do the things they do, and realize that they aren’t all that different from everyone else.

I believed that it was important to note that Chuck not only hurts others but himself in the process because it is much more difficult to empathize with a person who truly enjoys hurting other people for their own gain.

In many ways, toxic relationships also rely on this innate human empathy. The continuous desire to forgive in the name of an individual’s possible redemption, many times comes from a place of understanding and eagerness to help.

However, there is truth in the fact that various childhood experiences and deep-rooted emotions play into the extent at which an individual is willing to endure another’s wrongdoing. More on this later.

Blair Wardolf - Brief Character Analysis

Blair. Fiercely independent on the outside, deep need to be loved on the inside. Oh wait, did I just describe myself? Oops.

Blair starts off the show simultaneously as someone to hate and empathize with. It is immediately clear (even a few seconds into the first episode) that she has always felt second best to Serena.

Whether it be parental love she searches for, romantic love or the adoration of the public, Blair has a constant need to be validated and deemed as important.

In her day-to-day life, it is clear that Blair lacks the support of her parental figures. With an always busy, business mogul mother, and an almost absent father, in the rare instances that her parents come around, Blair is more than eager to please. Although it is often found that her parents’ attention is rarely focused on her.

In constant competition with Serena, Blair learns that she can only guarantee attention being drawn to herself by taking matters into her own hands. Constantly working to scheme and manipulate others, she learns to use people as stepping stools to get to where she’d like to go. Although it is clear that she is never truly content with the results of her actions.

Chuck and Blair - The Dynamic

If you couldn’t already tell, Blair and Chuck are like two peas in a pod. Although their family stories are different, they are both left with the same underlying need for love, presenting itself in subtle and not-so-subtle ways throughout their individual character journeys.

Due to their similarities in upbringing, they are led to approach their common issues in nearly identical ways, their favorite being scheming. This being the case, it comes as no shock when their long-found friendship quickly develops into more. Though their relationship strays far from a linear path.

From friends to lovers to frienemies to dating to breaking up, it is never clear where the two stand for long. Throughout their ups and downs, it is clear that their feelings for each other persist, regardless of whether they are willing to admit to them or not.

In hiding their true emotions and vulnerabilities, a clear push-and-pull dynamic is built between the couple. Whether it’s Blair attempting to make Chuck jealous so that he will admit his love to her, or Chuck fighting for Blair’s forgiveness after she’s moved on, there is a continuous back and forth in which one must go to great lengths to try to prove themselves worthy to the other person.

When they almost seem to be on the same page, someone pulls the plug for one reason or another and leaves the other hurt, ashamed, and vengeful. This proves to further perpetuate the painful dynamics between the pair.

Although they clearly suffer when forced apart, Chuck and Blair for the life of them cannot figure out how to stay together for long.

If they aren’t the epitome of confusion in dating, then I don’t know what is.

The Chuck and Blair Dynamic- My Experience

Whether fortunately or unfortunately I have experienced my fair share of the Chuck and Blair dynamic. From friends to a long-term relationship to the break-up make-up a million times over, I have seen the ins and outs of attempting to navigate a highly volatile connection with another person. When it’s good it’s great, when it’s bad, it is oh so painfully bad.

Based on the reflection I have done, there are quite a few factors that played into how this dynamic seeped itself into my life and why it was so intoxicating for so long. Nothing I have to say is intended to blame anyone involved, hopefully, instead, it will provide as an unbiased analysis of what occurred and why. I believe the best way to learn from your mistakes is to completely understand them, so in that case let’s break it down together.

Who, What, When, Why?

Ah yes love, what could be better? To me, between the ages of 18-21 absolutely nothing. Realistically, feeling loved has been something I have desired excessively since I was a very small child. Though, in terms of prolonged romantic emotions towards one person, 18-21 would serve as my main time period.

For context, I had been at one of the lowest points in my life in early 2020 (thank you COVID-19 and family issues). Naturally, when I ended up falling in love with someone who I also found to be my best friend at the time, my life started to become a lot more positive.

Since love had always been something I craved, it was no shock that once I finally got a real taste of it and what it could be, I was hooked. There was an undeniable high I derived from the love, friendship, safety, security, and comfort found within the relationship.

As someone with probably every struggle to name when it comes to relationships, whether it be attachment, trust, abandonment, mommy, or daddy issues, being able to feel completely emotionally and physically safe with another person was not something I took lightly. This, coupled with the fact that I have always viewed dating as a road to marriage, led to the relationship getting very serious, very quickly.

I’m not going to hash out the exact details of what happened (sorry) but approximately one and a half years later, the relationship was over as quickly as it began. Cue the emotional turmoil.

Breaking up sucks, there’s no way around it. It sucks even more when you loved the person you were with, completely envisioned a future together, and created an identity around being with them.

To me, my relationship was everything. No hobby, job, friend, or family member compared. I still had my views and values, but the entirety of my mental and emotional energy was focused on my partner and making him happy.

Looking back, I see the beauty in this, but I also see how detrimental it was to me long-term when the relationship collapsed.

Who was I if not in love? Who was I if not loved? The stark answer seemed to be, no one.

My Individual Identity, or Lack Thereof

When we were together, it was fun to go to the gym if he was there with me, it was fun to hang out with my friends if he was there too, it was nice to write if it was about him. Soon enough, there was hardly any individual identity left within me and certainly nothing left for anyone else.

As someone who has always placed my identity in the relationships I have with other people, all of my natural traits to caretake, support, and love had become centered around him. Hence the reason that when the relationship ended it felt almost completely debilitating.

After the breakup, a few things became clear in my approach to coping. Everything was in some way aimed at proving myself to others to avoid the shame of being seen as weak (cough cough Blair).

I had to prove that I could move on and be okay (at the time I definitely could not), I had to prove that if we were speaking again I was in control of the situation (I most definitely was not), and I had to prove that no matter how difficult, I could fix everything that went wrong because I had said we were meant to be together and I was never one to be wrong (I was in fact wrong).

The thing I have learned about any pursuit aimed at proving yourself to others is that there is rarely internal fulfillment that comes with it. Yes, there may be a short-lived high, but nothing more.

Instead, attempting to prove myself led me down years of mental and emotional torment, never being able to stick with any of the decisions I made because they were rarely rooted in what I wanted deep down.

If that itself was not enough, I felt constantly responsible for not only my own emotional struggles but his as well. Empathy has always been a natural trait of mine, causing me to go above and beyond for those I love when they are feeling down. This is something I am incredibly proud of, but has also time and time again led me to sacrifice even when I am left incredibly hurt in the process.

In a similar sense to that of Blair in the show, I knew of deep-rooted pains within my ex-partner and ex-relationship that caused me to understand and empathize with behaviors that I’d regularly never accept.

As opposed to separating myself from the situation, I appointed myself the role of the fixer. In my mind, as the fixer I could then help him work through his feelings, and in turn, save the relationship I valued so highly.

Unfortunately, as I have learned over time, no matter how fulfilling it is in the good moments, the role of the fixer isn’t as selfless or healthy as I had once believed it to be. Whether it be in my relationship with my parents, or romantically, being the fixer in some sense meant that I could make myself needed, even when I was not wanted.

In the desire to fix my past relationship, was also the desire to once again be seen as loveable. And oh so badly did I want to believe that I was loveable again.

Re-Building in the Present

For almost three years (yes I was down bad for a very long time), everything I tried to move on from the relationship blew up in my face. Whether it be new hobbies, new people, or new places, everything I sought out only for the sake of moving on left me feeling more and more alone.

Now, I think that I have finally found a way out.

In no way do I believe there to be a quick fix to heartbreak. Time to grieve and reset is unfortunately a critical aspect of the healing process. The other part of it, at least for me has been in creating my own fulfilling identity, completely apart from highly attached relationships to other people.

In order to find and feed my interests I have undergone a lot of active change in my life, from making wildly impulsive decisions to ones thought through over time. To be fair, I have always been a person that has learned by doing, and through new experiences.

Whether it be joining boxing classes, driving around the United States for one month on a whim, getting a motorcycle and learning to ride it, starting a blog, leaving everything behind to solo-travel with no plan for months on end, signing up to learn and teach yoga across the world or pivoting my career path, I have found independence and fulfillment in the most unexpected ways.

I’m not here to convince anyone to follow in my footsteps being that I definitely don’t have all of the answers, and maybe I’m going about it all wrong. For now though, for the first time in a long, long, long time I am finally starting to feel like a whole individual, not just a part of someone else.

My advice to anyone who may need it would be to embrace change and actively feed into areas of your life that bring joy and fulfillment. At least in my early twenty-somethings, I don’t think that I have found anything to be more crucial.

To end on a high note here’s a little sneak peek at some of the amazing friends that I have made on my journey solo-travelling so far:

Ending off volunteering with a bang in Bangkok!

My Relationship-Based TV Show and Movie Recommendations

I thought it would be fun to include some movie/tv show recommendations as a self-proclaimed expert at finding relatable creative works.

Here you go, use them at your own risk:

Movies (Rom-Coms):

He’s Just Not That Into You - If you think you’re in need of a reality check, this one’s for you.
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Light-hearted and funny.
Why Did I Get Married - Interesting insight into the inner workings of various relationship dynamics.
The Ugly Truth - A glimpse into reality with a rom-com twist.
Something Borrowed - To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about this one.
Friends with Benefits - Light-hearted and funny approach to modern-day dating.
Love Rosie - If you like slow burn and a friends-to-lovers romance, this one’s for you.
That Awkward Moment - All around a good movie, for all the feels, good and bad.
Crazy Stupid Love - Dating with a twist.
After (1, 2, 3, 4, and 5) - I have watched this series too many times to count. It’s full of the ups, downs, and poetic in-betweens.
Definitely, Maybe - A cute, light-hearted, feel-good movie.
Me Before You - Get ready to cry!
2 Night Stand - Light-hearted and funny approach to online dating and hook-up culture.
Gatsby- One of the greats, if you want to watch beautiful scenes and timeless yearning.
Love and Other Drugs - The struggles of facing insecurities and health issues in a relational context.

Overall SAD Movies if you’re heartbroken and need a good cry:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Just went through a breakup? Good luck getting through this without tears.
Someone Great - Soul-crushing, heart-shattering, emotion-filled, what else could you need?
All the Bright Places - Mental health struggles x relationships = oh no no no.
Waves - This movie is insane. That’s all I have to say.

TV Shows:

Gossip Girl - Drama, drama, drama. All aspects of life on the Upper East Side.
The Vampire Diaries - Classic story of a small-town girl torn between bad and good, cough cough love triangle.
Normal People - Portrays a simple take on relationships, showing the influence of peers and insecurity on real feelings.
Fleabag - An interesting, introspective series about shame, feeling lost, and making all the wrong decisions.
Bojack Horseman - Analyze and understand yourself through the lens of fictional characters.
The Summer I Turned Pretty - Break-ups, make-ups, and all the in-betweens.
How I Met Your Mother - Individual approaches to friendships, relationships, and casual dating.
Bridgerton/ Queen Charlotte - Yearning, enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, if you want it, Bridgerton has it.
Never Have I Ever - A light-hearted and funny navigation of high school relationships.
Panic - Enemies to lovers, need I say more?

Would you believe me if I told you that when I watch any show or movie I analyze it internally to this extent? Maybe I was in fact made for school, school, and more school.

Anyways okay, that’s all for now. Thanks for reading!

Chuck, Blair, and…Me?

Overview

Today’s Topic: Toxic Relationship Dynamics

Heartbreak

Achievement, for All the Wrong Reasons