Achievement, for All the Wrong Reasons

Overview

Ever since I was young, I have held the belief that I am in some way inferior to those around me. Not smart enough, not loveable enough, not worthy enough, not cool enough, you get the jyst.

Because of this, I did what most people do, I sought out achievements that I could point to to prove otherwise. I’m not entirely sure if the aim was to prove it to myself, or to everyone around me, probably a mix of both.

In the end, all I seemed to prove was that I went about it the wrong way. So, let’s break it down, one self-esteem issue at a time.

Today’s Topic: Feeling Stupid.

Stupid. For as long as I can remember, I have had a feeling inside of me, telling me that I’m not smart enough.

I don’t know how or why it started. If it was my issue with understanding math, or my complete lack of interest in subjects that did not seem to concern me. Whatever the root cause, it was a feeling I knew all too well.

I felt it when people around me talked about subjects I didn’t understand (and never honestly cared to understand), I felt it when I heard it from my parents or my peers, and I felt it when it was time to choose a career path and the things I felt called to were seen as inferior.

Naturally, I disregarded the desire I had to teach, to write, to publicly speak, to help people, and instead leaned entirely into the path that promised me prestige. A highly sought-after program at a highly reputable school. A name that I could use to symbolize my abilities, my capacity for understanding, and overall prove to everyone else, and most importantly myself, that I was not stupid.

Guess what? I feel like I learned almost nothing in my 4 years there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to blame the school or the teachers I had. I’m sure that it would have been great if I cared at all about anything I was learning. I did well in the classes that I found glimpses of my passions in, whether it be Public Speaking, Creative Writing, English, Counselling, Psychology, or Philosophy. I did what I had to do to stay afloat for the rest, all for the promise of a great degree.

I didn’t understand why I was learning the things I was learning, I saw no end goal, and I only found myself feeling different from everyone around me. Importantly, I had also quickly come to know that business was entirely different from what I thought it would be.

When my parents talked about business and entrepreneurship I had always found it very interesting. Now, I’m realizing that it was probably because their focus was on other people, finding good ones, retaining them, and being generous throughout it all. I never felt much of that outlook in conversations with my peers at school, or in the lectures I attended.

To give you some background, my father started his life in poverty. A small village in Egypt that he wouldn’t even let me visit because he was so ashamed of where he came from. He picked cotton, he was beaten, and he shared a small room with 3 brothers and a singular lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.

I never actually knew this side of him. By the time I was old enough to understand how the world worked, I knew that I had grown up affluent, rich. In the time between, my father had owned hotels, gyms, safaris, spas, you name it. Though, neither he nor my mother were the type to boast.

My dad was the definition of treating the janitor in the same way you’d treat the CEO. He was kind, respectful, chatty, and never tried to gain at the expense of others. He said that good people, with good hearts, kept a good company and was happy to reward those who were loyal, hardworking, and genuine.

That was my naive version of the business world. Business school, salespeople, and almost every version I’ve seen of the corporate universe since has been entirely, completely different.

Profit, profit, profit, the only real goal. Who cared if it was at the expense of good, hardworking people or if it involved manipulating others? Apparently, no one.

Anyway, enough of my anti-capitalist rant, we’ll save it for another day. Let’s get back to my story.

I did not enjoy my degree, nor did I enjoy or retain most of the things I learned. But I pushed through because I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t smart enough to hack it at a top school. I guess that shows my ability to commit to the wrong things, oh well.

Fast forward to present day me, with my prestigious degree. Spoiler alert, not much has changed.

I’m still good at the things I enjoy and dedicate myself to practicing, and I still pretty much suck at the things I hate. Does that make me stupid, or less than? Maybe, maybe not. I am learning to view life a lot more holistically and a lot less black & white than I did before.

I have never been a believer in affirmations and have failed to understand the whole push toward intense positive self-talk. I have always thought it more important to seek truth, to come to terms with what I cannot change, and to be confident enough to attempt to change the things I can (shoutout to the Serenity Prayer- maybe I am a believer at heart, that would be a funny turn of events).

Overall, I am still learning about where I’m at and how I feel, but I am growing more confident in making choices that make me feel wholeheartedly fulfilled, as opposed to the ones that promise me a sense of status that I’ll never internally achieve.

Okay, I think that’s enough self-reflection for now. Next up, combatting my long-standing issues with love.