Who’s to Blame?

Oof. Toughy.

I believe one of the most challenging aspects when it comes to interpersonal conflict has to do with assessing the situation and placing fault accordingly. Have you ever listened to someone recount a story as if they were completely in the right but you knew they were in the wrong? Yep, essentially that.

I have my strengths and weaknesses as an individual and after countless hours of self-reflection, I have tried to better get to know the areas in which I hold biases and react accordingly. Whether this means practicing patience when I’m angry or noting my skewed viewpoint before sharing my opinion. One thing I have come to know about myself, whether good or bad, is that I am, without a doubt a stubborn individual.

If I do not want to do something, I will not do it. Regardless of how many people can share their input or try to convince me, I have always had ample confidence in my own decision-making skills and life experiences. My mom knows this all too well, as does every individual who has ever tried to convince me of anything without foolproof evidence. Don’t get me wrong, I still love listening to different perspectives and other ways of life, I just have no interest in living in those ways myself and I am comfortable with that. Whether it be saying no to alcohol when everyone around me wants to get drunk, or deleting social media and never looking back in a society that deems it necessary, I have always been, and hope to always be, entirely my own person.

Now you must be thinking, stubborn = happy life. Wrong. Content in the fact that I live abiding by my values? Definitely. Whether it be the Arab in me or the way I was raised, I have never felt the pressure to conform that most people seem to feel. It simply has never made sense to me. Why would I agree for the sake of agreeing, if in fact, I don’t agree? Is it not healthier to move away from keeping the peace and instead encourage discussion?

Okay, where was I going with this? Oh yes, interpersonal conflicts. Something I have worked for years to manage with open communication, understanding, and patience. This in no way means that I get it right every time, but it does mean I get better and maybe one day I’ll be a wise old lady who knows the ins and outs of managing uncomfortable conversations. As of now, I’m still in my early twenties and although I have learned to navigate most uncomfortable conversations, it gets a lot more difficult when it comes to people that I really care for. Generally, I’m a level-headed, slow-to-anger sort of individual and in all honesty, it is quite difficult to actually make me mad- unless you are my mom, and know the exact buttons to push. Kidding. Maybe not.

When it comes to issues with the people you love most, they are usually much deeper than meets the eye and can much more easily spark real emotions. There is an expectation of the other person to understand exactly what you need, what you feel, and for them to have the willingness to do so based on months or years spent together. Plus, there is also the added fact that most issues are not one-offs, meaning that not only did they hurt you, but they did it in a similar way that they knew hurt you before. This makes these sorts of interpersonal conflicts much more challenging to navigate, especially when stubbornness is involved.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I believe stubbornness is a great tool in many regards. It has helped me maintain a life connected to my values, it has allowed me to respect myself, and it has allowed me to foster deep connections with people who share my views on life. But when it comes to love, it seems to be an ever-present struggle.

Viewing the world in one way, but deeply loving someone who views it in another is a very complex situation to navigate peacefully. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to cast blame and believe only in what you have to say and feel. After, there is the ever-present question of whether or not you were truly in the right. Is it me or is it you? Who is wrong and who is right, and most importantly, where do we go from here? In all honesty, I really don’t know.

Currently, I am working to move away from the idea of ‘wrong or right’. Obviously to a healthy extent. How I’ve phrased it internally has been: not wrong, not right, simply different. I have found this to help me genuinely want to understand the motives and thought processes behind other people’s actions, instead of casting judgment. This is great in my day-to-day interactions with others, but when it comes to deeply cherished connections and larger differences in perspective, it can feel much more necessary to deem an action or thought as ‘wrong’.

For me, at least right now, I am at a standstill. Be understanding, risk ample hurt, put my pride completely to the side, and go against my gut when it comes to my views on a situation, all for what I know to be love. Or go with what I think to be true, in a more logical, and I guess emotional sense. I think I know what will happen, but I am too afraid to accept it.

Maybe I’ll find more clarity tomorrow.