Intentional Inquiry
Curiosity - one of my self-proclaimed biggest strengths.
I’m a curious person through and through. I have no idea when this started or why. All I remember is that years ago I realized that all I wanted to do was really get to know the people around me, and I mean really get to know them. Sometimes I felt like I was an interviewer but honestly many more times than not I think everyone I know has really appreciated this aspect of my personality. I have always hated small talk. And by hate I mean hate. I never saw the point in people asking “how are you,” only to hear an answer like good, just for the sake of speaking.
Any time I ask a question, I do really mean it. I ask it out of genuine eagerness to know more, to understand, to form connections, and to quite simply give the person in front of me space to talk. My intent is for the questions I ask to provide people with the tools to explore themselves and their own thoughts further. Most especially, I ask questions to get to the root of the person and to open the floodgates into the things they desperately want to talk about but never feel like they can. I guess it is no surprise that I have switched my career path from the corporate world to counseling.
As someone who commonly feels like a burden when talking about myself for too long, I truly appreciate good question-askers. Good question-askers/active listeners make people feel heard, interesting, seen, understood, and important. All innate human needs and desires. Due to this knowledge, I strive constantly to be this person for those around me. I do this through intentional listening, following my curiosity in the direction it leads by asking specific questions in relation to what others share, and by working to not interrupt or switch the topic back to myself continuously.
Although all questions are good questions, you can tell when someone is being half-assed and not truly engaged in the conversation. Because of this, I do stress for people to ask the questions they actually want to ask. In this, both individuals are left with an interesting discussion and, ideally, ideas to reflect upon further. As with all things in life, it is important to be intentional when asking, and posing questions in order to search for answers that you are interested in learning more about. Question asking should not feel like a chore. Maybe a new skill to be learned, coming with its own challenges, but never a chore. Questions shouldn’t be asked in order to sound smart or to prove a level of status. Instead, they should be wholly focused on the learnings to be had and the depth of connection to be cultivated.
Overall, I do fully believe that the best gift you can give another person is to simply be present with them. Listen, ask, and connect. Intentionality is truly everything. That being said, here are some questions I came up with to explore both myself and others further. Each of them can be taken in many different directions and I urge you to allow that flow as opposed to staying rigid in answering them. The whole point is getting to know your own thought processes and further understanding your mind or the mind of someone else.
Questions for getting to know yourself and others more deeply:
**Pro tip if the person doesn’t give you a long-winded explanation, ask them ‘why/ why not’ after they answer any of these questions
What would you see yourself doing as a job in a world free of societal judgment, shame, or rules?
Have you ever felt like you were truly in love?
What does it mean to you to be truly in love?
What are the parts of your daily life that most people don’t know about?
Do you feel interesting when you talk?
Do you view yourself as kind?
What does kindness mean to you?
What are the moral principles and values you live by day to day?
What moral values do you wish you lived by more?
How small steps could you take towards implementing them?
What is something you really want to do but you are scared?
Do you view yourself as a confident person?
What makes you feel loved/ cared for?
What makes you feel understood?
What would the ideal friend look like to you in terms of their actions?
What are the most important aspects of a relationship in your opinion?
Do you feel like you are a good partner?
How do you think you could improve as a friend/ partner?
What is something you struggle with mentally/ emotionally?
How do you cope with adversity?
How would you describe yourself as an individual?
How has your childhood shaped you?
What aspects of your parents would you like to bring into raising your own kids?
What aspects of your parents would you like to leave out when raising your own kids?
Which life events do you feel impacted you most throughout your time alive?
If you could go back and change something, what would it be?
What is your biggest takeaway from heartbreak?
What is the best job you have worked and why?
Do you feel fulfilled? What do you think would get you there?
Why do you value what you value?
What does your comfort zone look like?
Do you feel comfortable stepping out of your comfort zone? Why/why not?
Who is the funniest person you know? Describe them
Would you call yourself a high achiever? Why/ why not?
Do you feel like you failed in any aspect of your life?
What are you ashamed to admit?
What is your favorite part of your body and why?
What is your least favorite part of your body and why?
What is your favorite part of your personality and why?
What is your least favorite part of your personality and why?
Do you feel support from your friends and family towards the things you want to accomplish deep down? If so, what does that support look like/ what do you wish it looked like?
What drives you day to day?
What do you believe is the meaning of life?
Do you prefer cities or small towns?
What is your relationship with stress? What does coping with high-pressure situations look like to you?
Do you feel content in your life currently?
Do you find that you relate to a lot of your peers?
Do you believe that you live a balanced life? What does that look like to you?
Have you ever experienced addiction to anything? (can go deeper than simply substances, for example, food addiction)
What makes you want to use your drug of choice?
Have you ever tried quitting? What happened?
What are your vices?
What are your coping mechanisms?
When have you most felt supported?
What does regret mean to you?
Do you feel guilt for anything that you’ve done? What is it?
What is one thing you wish more people knew about you?
How would you describe the way that you were raised?
Would you describe yourself as insecure?
What is your greatest strength?
What is your greatest weakness?
What are you most proud of in life?
What is your guilty pleasure?
What is your most loved hobby?
Do you struggle to apologize?
Is there anything you find yourself devoted to in life? What is it?
What inspires you?
What has your experience been with religion?
What aspects of being single do you like/ dislike?
What aspects of being in a relationship do you like/ dislike?
Have you ever had a best friend? Tell me about them
Have you experienced grief? When, why, about what/whom?
How do you view relationships?
What would an ideal life look like to you?
Are you scared of the unknown/ change?
What are you scared of going wrong in your life?
Ideally, what would go right in your life?
Do you believe in soulmates?
Do you want to have children?
Tell me your story
Who are you deep down?
Who do you present yourself to be on the surface?
Who is your role model?
What are you like when you’re angry?
What are you like when you’re sad?
Would you describe yourself as an introvert or extrovert?
What is your relationship with your mental health?
Have you ever experienced depression? What did that look like for you? Describe the experience to me.
What is your most controversial opinion?
