Coping Mechanisms

Overview

Coping is an interesting topic for me personally because I am constantly amazed by the differences in individual coping methods. Whether coping means drinking yourself silly for months on end, or journalling in the park, different people have very different ideas about what works for them.

I have a variety of coping methods that I’ve established for myself over time, and although they haven’t always been quick fixes they have helped me a lot in the long term. Thankfully for me, my methods seem to have no similarity to those of my family members.

Coping mechanisms if you didn’t already know, are defined in the Collins Dictionary as conscious and unconscious choices that bring comfort when facing stress, also giving an individual a sense of control.

My coping mechanisms have shifted over time, although they never have been incredibly distraction-based (I have come to find this is quite rare). Let me be real with you, I like being in control, and the simple fact is that I have always felt the most in-control and comforted by facing issues immediately as they come.

Distracting myself has never done much for me. If I’m actually sad about something, I’ll be sad about it no matter where I am or who I’m with. Any time that I have tried to follow my mother’s advice of filling my schedule, shopping, or meeting new people to avoid some sort of pain, I seem to end up more miserable.

The only real method of addressing my feelings is simply that, addressing them head-on. I have a variety of ways that I do this, whether it be talking to people about where I’m at emotionally (venting), journalling, painting, researching about why I feel the ways I feel, reading relatable quotes/poetry, or listening to incredibly sad music. Does crying count? Don’t know, but a whole lot of that too.

Avoiding an issue has always to me felt like prolonging something uncomfortable, therefore prolonging the uncomfortable feeling. That being said, why would I ever chose to do that to myself? Whether it be an uncomfortable conversation to be had, or avoiding work that needs to be done, I can’t mentally relax until I at the very least try my best to address the issue at hand. When it comes to problems I have no real control over, I address what I can and express what I can’t. I have found this to be extremely helpful.

Anyways yes, because of the fact that this is how I operate, I find it fascinating when people take other paths because alternatives have never in any way provided me with solace or comfort. A weird part of growing up is realizing that everyone is different and shaped by a vast set of experiences that can be entirely different to your own.

Coming to terms with the fact that you (or in this case me) are not the center of the universe and that not everyone operates in the same ways you do is quite the epiphany.

To give you an example of this, my father is an addict. His coping mechanism is marijuana, hash, weed, cannabis, or whatever you’d like to call it. For a big majority of my life, I have witnessed first-hand the impacts of this addiction on him and my family.

For context, most people may think an addiction to cannabis is nothing major. Unfortunately, in my father’s case, major is quite the understatement for how it impacted his life and mine.

I never understood what pulled him towards drugs as the solution to his problems. Logically, I understand that drugs are used as a form of escapism to ignore reality and all of the lovely issues that come with being human. Emotionally, I understand the desire to be freed of immense sadness, guilt, anger, etc.

What I don’t understand is the desire to kill your capacity to problem-solve.

To break that idea down further, I understand alcohol, drugs, and any other mind-altering substances to be momentary periods of escaping reality. This escapism not only prolongs the issues at hand but also actively worsens a person’s ability to address them.

I have never understood this sort of coping style. Again, I can put two and two together logically, but as someone who has always seen myself as in control to decide whether I will make myself better or worse off, I cannot understand why I’d choose to even explore the possibility of severely making things worse.

I guess where I can relate to substance abuse and addiction would be within my more negative coping mechanisms (vices) that I have come to uncover over time. Being the person I am, these relate to validation, attention, and underlyingly love (no shock there). When it comes to seeking approval in these ways, whether I am actviely aware of it or not, there is most definitely a high that is being chased.

As human beings we have needs, and consciously or not we will find ways to meet them, regardless of if the ways we find are helpful to us or not in the long term. They are called needs for a reason, and rooted in what I’m sure is a mix of generations of genetics, biology, evolution, and so much more.

As someone who has never felt the most loveable, the high of approval, comfort in closeness, solace in friendship, and security of commitment have always been constant driving forces in my life, pushing me to seek connection. Unfortunately, when you really need something, the natural result is a sense of desperation.

From what I’ve seen, desperation causes people to meet their needs in ways that are alternative to what they truly desire, in the hopes of eventually getting what it is they want. For example, accepting a prolonged situationship without commitment when all you want is a relationship, or being friends with people who put you down because all you want are friends.

I don’t know about you, but every time I have accepted an alternative to what I desire deep down, it has been a foolproof road to anxiety, shame, guilt, and disappointment. The simple fact seems to be that desperation attracts other desperate people, or people happy to use your desperation to their advantage. As cheesy as it sounds, learning to meet my own needs has helped me tremendously with this.

I’m going to explain the idea of meeting my own needs further. In today’s day and age, ‘self-care’ is heavily pushed, and like everything else, I believe it has its positives and negatives. I believe if approached in the right way, self-care can be a helpful method to use towards healing and growth. Although, based on its wide stream push through social media, I have seen it used to describe blatantly selfish and unkind behaviors in the name of self-preservation.

Yes, I believe that people should look after themselves, physically, emotionally, soulfully, but in no way does this mean I think they should stop looking after others, even if it presents as an inconvenience to them. Alike to most animals, human beings are meant to be connected through communities, societies, and partnerships. The absolute prioritization of oneself at the sacrifice of others has always been a strange idea to me.

No matter their challenges, I believe people are loveable, redeemable, and good. I’ll admit, part of growing up for me has included pondering about whether or not people are innately good or not and although I am actively working to learn about the bad, my mind can’t help but find the good.

That being said, I believe it is important to learn to meet your own needs, especially if you have a deficit in a specific need that is likely causing you to act out in less-than-desirable ways.

Learning to Meet Your Own Needs

Let’s relate this back to my need for love and acceptance, and the constant ways I worked to meet this need. Whether it be acting out in strange ways to try to establish connection or clinging onto people who clearly did not want anything to do with me, I have 100% been a victim to desperation. Embarrassing to admit, but no one said the truth had to be pretty.

Step 1

The first step for me was gaining an understanding and awareness of why I was doing what I was doing and what my underlying needs were. My discovery of these needs was through years of journalling, researching, and talking through my feelings and actions with the people around me as well as professionals. When you uncover the reasoning behind your actions it is much easier to then sniff it out in the moment and fight against the immediate desires to fill those needs in unhealthy ways.

Step 2

The second step for me was to actively work to change my methods of coping and to remove the methods that tempted me. As I said, validation was a big need for me when it came to feeling wanted. Because of this, social media had to go. It was much too easy to have a tool that would allow me with one click of a button to generate replies, likes, follows, and just overall attention that never provided me with a sustainable, meaningful feeling of connection and acceptance.

Instead when I was bored I turned to my journal, when I needed comfort I turned to my journal, when I felt lonely I turned to my journal. Are you sensing a trend here?

Step 3

The third step was working towards understanding where the true need stemmed from and looking into areas of my life that still perpetuated the feelings of being a burden, feelings of being unwanted, etc. And working to remove myself from those situations. This for me meant some very uncomfortable conversations with my mom about the ways she would speak to me and how I was made to feel.

It also meant taking accountability for how much time I chose to spend around people or places that made me feel those ways. My aim was never to blame others and sit in my own pit of despair, it was to be open and honest with how I felt in a straight-up yet understanding manner, whilst working to find solutions. If you’re here to hear all about being the victim and blaming everyone else, I am sorry this is not the page for you.

Step 4

The fourth step was basically repeating steps 1-3 a million more times in new ways. Identifying other sources I would use to derive my underlying needs and validation, removing myself from them, and working to address their root causes.

For example, when I occasionally felt that drive for validation I would agree to outings that I straight up never enjoyed. Whether it be a bar or club or whatever else, every time I’d push myself out into those settings, I’d end up standing in a corner alone contemplating what on earth made me decide to partake in an activity I hated oh so much.

Once I finally came to terms with the fact that I would never find anything to bring me genuine joy in these settings, I actively worked to stop putting myself in them. Instead, I validated myself in ways more meaningful to me by talking to my family and friends about how I felt, or of course journalling.

Another way I found myself seeking validation was at the gym. Let’s be real here I don’t think it’s solely a me issue. Somehow working out (something I’ve loved doing since I was 14 years old) became wanting to be seen.

The gym wasn’t good enough if the right people weren’t there to see me, or if I wasn’t able to see the right people. A hobby that genuinely made me feel good throughout my teenage years had become something much more unhealthy and much more deeply rooted in attention, instant validation, and a whole lot of insecurity.

Since realizing this I have worked to choose the gyms that I work out in less strategically. Going at times that I enjoy as opposed to the times that most people usually go at. And of course, changing what I wear and dressing for me, not out of the desire to be looked at.

Side note: I find it interesting to reflect on all the settings I’d put myself in out of the desire to be validated because I also then remember how I felt during them. Sure there was the high of getting the attention I so badly craved, but there was also so much insecurity in everything I wore, everything I said, and everything I did. This stands out to me because I have always been quite confident in myself and only in very specific situations ever find myself overthinking the ways that I present to others.

Step 5

The fifth step which I’d say I’m taking right now is filling my life with things that bring me genuine joy and fulfillment and have nothing to do with what other people think of me. Working towards a career in a field aimed at understanding and helping people, traveling because it’s something I have always wanted to do, taking on new hobbies and fully investing myself into them, etc.

I do want to stress that this does take time and can’t exactly be forced as I did try new things through the years and would find myself still in the same place. I think being more intentional about the things I started investing time into and being honest with myself about whether I actually felt purpose within them was wildly helpful.

Conclusion

I’m going to be honest, as much as I was able to break this down into steps, it absolutely did not play out that way in my own life. The past few years have been an absolute emotional rollercoaster for me, which thankfully I have finally been able to get off. These are just some of the main findings I have seen in working towards the progress I have made.

Being a person is hard, all we can do is work to be better and to in the meantime have some understanding and grace with ourselves and others. Anyways thanks for reading!

I have a whole lot more to say about the different forms of coping and my experience either trying or witnessing them all, so there will definitely be a part two of this post coming eventually. As of right now though, this should do.