Three Hour Bus Ride

A reflection about growing up, on a bus from Alanya to Antalya, Türkiye (March 22, 2024, 2:20 pm)

“All of the things you own will begin to own you.”

I have to admit, it’s crazy to grow up and see how true it is that what you cultivate in your life day to day, does truly define the person that you are. More and more, I am seeing those around me solidify their character, their lifestyles, and their values. More and more, I also see this for myself, although I am currently undergoing a momentous amount of change. In truth, although I do completely believe that people do shift over time, I’m not sure I believe that their deep-rooted values change. Maybe over time they learn how to better live by them and thus change is shown through action and speech.

I have always struggled to believe that a person who feels no guilt when telling even the simplest of lies or hurting others will ever really grow out of it. This is most prevalent in my longstanding belief that “once a cheater is always a cheater,” because to me it is never simply about the act itself but always the morality and values that lie behind it.

I know that this tendency of mine to see human actions in such a harsh light can keep me from a deeper level of understanding and empathy, but I also know that I am completely comfortable with that when it comes to deeper senses of right and wrong. Most especially when it comes to keeping myself safe - both physically and emotionally. This same concept can apply to things as seemingly simple as individual opinions on hookups and one-night stands.

I have come to see quite clearly over and over that people who are willing to use other people continuously for their own gain, without remorse, and most specifically with full emotional disconnect, are usually the same ones willing to manipulate others to their will. It all comes down quite plainly to your personal values, and if you value your own personal experience above all, if you are willing to become your own God, so to speak, there is no moral line you will not cross. I do realize this is a harsh take, but it’s my journal entry, so quite frankly, I will have all of the harsh takes I want to have.

Going back to simple daily actions that define who you are long term, I have noticed how difficult it is for people to later switch or even realize how deeply they’ve gotten within these things. How challenging it is for those who are stuck in their comfort zone to ever even approach the idea of real change, regardless of whether they are actually content and happy alongside their comforts. From the idolization of wealth and fame to sacrificing who you love over it, from never feeling like working out to eventually finding yourself painfully immobilized, from eating sugary foods all the time to realizing it is an addiction, from being kind and growing kinder, from being insecure or self-obsessed and continuing down a vanity-driven path full of self-modifications and surface-level connections.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I am still young, and I haven’t yet seen this fully fledged, but I think it will be crazy to see where everyone ends up, of course, also including myself. 

Somehow to me when I think about the future, everything in adulthood almost seems like a failure. With this, I don’t mean that I need a ton of money to determine that I’m successful. Yes, societally and life quality-wise, I think that would feel nice, for sure. Still, it is appallingly clear to me that anyone can easily look at the top celebrities in the world and still think of them as failures. In truth, everything only boils down to opinion, perspective, and most simply, what you personally value deep down.

I am taking this time to completely explore myself, my own bounds, who I want to be, and how I’d like to live my life. Trust me, I am reveling in the freedom that has come with this four-month exploration of the world, others, and myself.

Though I also know that no matter how successful of an author or an actress I could be, no matter if I become a world-renowned counselor or a noble peace prize winner for helping the troubled and addicted, deep down none of these things will truly leave me with the sort of peace and contentedness I crave.

These accomplishments, yes, I do believe to all be amazing and, in many ways, aligned with different aspects of who I am, but at the end of the day, even a momentous achievement is still just that, an achievement. Already at 22, I know that on my death bed, it will not be my achievements that I reflect upon or even think back to momentarily, for me, it has always, and will always be about other people.

Deep down within my heart, my fulfillment, peace, and contentedness will only ever be found in the simplest of things. If I tell you my most honest truth, it is love. I want to be in love and be loved back the same, I want a partner that I can’t wait to go to the grocery store with. I want a family. I want kids to call my own and people to lovingly take care of. How completely, utterly human of me. I know that society in this day and age doesn’t like to hear this type of take. But some things are quite honestly just true.

Don’t get me wrong, I do completely believe that to live a full life, there must also be adventure, exploration of the world and the self, as well as change, along with all the other fun things that are found within the human experience. I do not believe that a life fully lived is one completely immersed in comfort, and I am glad to have been pushed out of my comfort zone and forced to explore who I could be when not only living for others.

Currently, as a single woman who has lost interest in grasping so tightly onto hopes and dreams of a future that may never come, I instead have been applying this simple way of life to everything else around me. All other aspects of a full life that I am coming to relearn. How to care for others without expecting anything back, how to simply be present and enjoy the moment, how to cultivate community with both friends and strangers, how to never stay stuck, how to find peace within discomfort, and how to be open to exploration, change, and the unknown while also staying true to the person I am.

Once it hits June 2025, I will say that this has been the most monumental year of my life. From my one-month solo road trip across the USA, which I embarked on on a whim in June 2024, to the seven months of backpacking that I am doing across various regions of the world right now. All I can really say is, how life-changing it has been to explore who I am without the constrictions of who I thought I had to be. I could write about this forever and the changes, both tiny and grandiose, that have happened within me, but honestly, for the time being, I just want to soak it all in. How thankful I am that I was willing to step completely out of my comfort zone and explore in ways I never dreamt of.

Also, tomorrow marks my 4th month of travel, woohoo!